- Category: Help Line
- Published on 04 January 2013
Lets talk about why preachers, and everyone else, might choose to sleep around. Of course, not every pastor is a cheater, but we know that there are quite a few cases where this is true. The researchers talk about the reasons that your spouse might step out, some of which are avoidable. Penn's article also gives advice from black Christian perspective, which is more complicated than the simple rule which says, "If they cheat, you're gone." She says that in spite of what the experts might say about your relationship, how you address infidelity in your marriage is up to you.
One of the things to keep in mind is that a good way to have a mate who is tempted to cheat is to ignore that person's needs for emotional and other forms of attention. Not being responsive to the needs of your mate might tempt them to have their needs fulfilled elsewhere. The researchers also say that the creation of emotional distance can cause people to be unfaithful. We would argue that being selective about your mate beforehand can benefit you tremendously. You should spend at least a couple of years observing your mate's character in a multitude of contexts in order to determine if they have true Christian values or are just talking the talk.
There is also the little issue of technology. Facebook, Twitter, texting and everything else allows people to remain connected over long periods of time and across long distances. This can lead to outcomes that might not have occurred had the connection never been made in the first place. The experts talk about how social media can be the reason for many people to have options they might not have had before. Pastor Carl J. Mimms III, pastor of the Freedom Tabernacle of Praise Church in Indianapolis, once sued his cell phone company for releasing his phone records to his wife, who then confronted him about his cheating in front of both the church and his children. So, these situations can get messy, which is why preachers' wives now have their own reality show.
Ayvaunn Penn says the rest:It is a harsh truth, but no one is perfect. Not only are fornicators in the pews, they are in the pulpit, too. Many wonder why that is. Well, there are 1,200 psychotherapists, counselors, coaches and other helping professionals, who believe they know the answer, and these specialists comprise Your Tango.com – the leading online organization specializing in love and relationships.
The first thing their specialists say is that s*x is not the number one reason for cheating. Although it ranks second, emotional discontentment is actually the number one reason for infidelity among both the ladies and the gents. Fret not, however, because there is a solution for this relationship malady according to Dr. Susan Heitler. She explains:
"While there are many factors that can lead to an extramarital sexual encounter, emotional distance is one that couples can prevent. If there's been distress, dissension or too much distance, take a marriage ed class to learn how to stay more comfortably connected.
"The first thing their specialists say is that sex is not the number one reason for cheating. Although it ranks second, emotional discontentment is actually the number one reason for infidelity among both the ladies and the gents. Fret not, however, because there is a solution for this relationship malady according to Dr. Susan Heitler. She explains:
"While there are many factors that can lead to an extramarital sexual encounter, emotional distance is one that couples can prevent. If there's been distress, dissension or too much distance, take a marriage ed class to learn how to stay more comfortably connected."
In other words, it does not even have to come to cheating. If you and your spouse are feeling distant, fix it right away. Then, you will not have to even deal with the next anti-Biblical tip suggested by 57% of their specialists – "Don't tell your spouse if you cheat." Goodness, talk about taking the good and leaving the bad. That is the one tip from them that you should not follow. Moving along now, if you ever suspected technology to be a culprit in cheating, you are not alone. The Your Tango Expert study shows 50% of specialists agreeing that technology is indeed a catalyst in infidelity. Hence, we may conclude that spending a little less time on the computer and on the phone does the marriage good.
Speaking of cheating in the church, Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses, writing for BlackBlueDog.com, states that there are times when a person must learn to forgive the partner or spouse who has been unfaithful. She doesn't give specific advice on how you should respond to cheating, but in citing the case of a cheating pastor, Nomalanga questioned the intervention of Iyanla Vanzant by wondering why she appeared to be nudging the woman toward divorce. According to Nomalanga, there may be reasons that you choose to stay with your husband or wife, even if they've been unfaithful. After all, you did make vows before God to be together till death (not infidelity) do you part.
Lastly, what happens if the cheating prevention does not play out? More specifically stated, should a spouse cheat, can he or she can be trusted again? Well according to this same study, the answer is yes. Eighty-one percent of their experts say that they do not agree with the cliché "once a cheater, always a cheater." Just because someone cheats once, it does not necessarily mean that they will cheat again.